Gear Grinding: It's bad the read the king

Welcome to another ranting session where I complain about the tropes that chafe me ‘somethin fierce.’ on the chopping block today: the king!

I can’t even list the number of books I’ve read that focus on some royal figurehead and how important they are. My problem with them is the issue of re·lat·a·bil·i·ty. How many of you in the reading populace have been a king? Anyone here ruled a nation? I’m going to guess that the majority of people here are going to say not me.

I get it, you read a fantasy book for the fantasy, to be in a new and fascinating place. You want to read about the intrigues of the movers and shakers of the realm, not the mud-farmers who eek out an existence in the muck. But I bet more people will find the struggle of a farmer more ‘close-to-home’ than the royals. You’ve probably worried more about you paycheck more than your dictatorial edicts, ammirite?

Then I want to attack another unrelatable aspect of the king, they’re good at too many things. I had to put down a book recently because the king character was a peerless warrior, an educated scholar, the kingdom’s leading socialite, and the most attractive bachelor in the nation. I kid you not. And this isn’t unusual. I’ve read other books with the same king, and they were assholes to boot!

If you spent your life honing your body and mind to a warrior without equal, then you wouldn’t have time to run a kingdom, read all those important books (many kings were illiterate btw), and date those hapless and irresistible ladies. Likewise, if you spent your kingly time to be a benevolent and good ruler, then not much of your time would be spent on training your body for combat, so expect your fantasy king to have a more slovenly physique.

So, if you want royal intrigue, do it from a servant’s perspective. You want a peerless fighter? Tell a story about the king’s champion. You want a story about the struggles of a ruler? Then try the perspective of the chamberlain or seneschal. But for the love of all things, stop making the king everything for everyone!

Better yet; why do all these kingdoms need to have kings? In other words why are they kingdoms? If you want something fantastic, go for a different form of leadership. A confederacy, theocracy, plutocracy, mage-ocracy, SOMETHING OTHER THAN MONARCHY FFS.

So here’s the end of the lesson here: if you have a king, make them only a king. The best thing you can do in my opinion, is to not even have a king in the first place.